Ice Flue Chapter 20

11 Nov

Ice Flue Chapter 20
After they face-planted onto the battlefield, they sank deep within the muddy soil, only a few feet away from the trenches. Rockets exploded into multicolored lights surrounded by jaguar screams. The moon was set aflame by a rogue torch ripple. Cracked from a split bayonet, the sun leaked molten lava. Tanks manned by stoic androids whipped by as The Elfin Brethren shot arrows filled with Ice Flue.

Stan gazed in amazement as his invention turned the victims’ bones brittle; their legs cracked, their skin graying then dispersing into the red soil.

On the other side, purple Blood Lust bubbles floated lazily from toy guns; the moment they popped against their opponents, the Blood Rage went into full effect.

“Do you want to make love rather than war?” The police officer, flat on her chest upon a massage table, batted her butterfly wing eye leashes. Sheltered by a five star African safari tent with a full kitchen, wine bar, and a psychedelic jug band performing ‘The Girl from Ipanema,’ her pampered air was reinforced by the way she casually plucked the frozen animal tongues from her expensive dress like a girl daydreaming in a field of flowers.

Stan, Elizabeth, Arnie, and Heiferwaith, meanwhile, remained face-planted in the mud wearing standard issue World War III fatigues, which was odd since that war had ended more than a hundred years ago.

“The risotto is a bit oily. The pumpkin spice gelato is simply passable. God, it’s all so depressing having to watch you all be heroes and fight for your lives and whatnot.” The police officer continued to pluck frozen animal tongues from her dress. “Where the HELL is my masseuse? She was SUPPOSED to be here five minutes ago. Is ANYBODY working this shift? CAN SOMEONE AT LEAST BRING ME SOME CUCUMBER SLICES? My crow’s feet need that manna like a baby needs milk. HELLLLO?!?!?”

A Dracun Lizard burst from an ant-hill with a pointy skeleton helmet and stabbed Heiferwaith through the throat. Blood spurted onto his boat fangs and trickled down his armored chest. “Don’t forget about the guests. We must perform the Animal Cracker Parade FOR THE GUESTS. Are you ready?” He coughed blood and wobbled.

Stan crawled to Heiferwaith as rockets exploded in the air, painting the sky like a cake for a devil. “Heiferwaith?” Stan checked his pulse. “Can somebody help?”

Heiferwaith removed a glass bowl filled with cucumber slices from his chest. “It’s my fault. I stole this from our guest.” Falling blood droplets coated the cucumber slices as Heiferwaith, undeterred, offered them forth. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He stumbled under the safari tent, nosediving beneath the police officer’s wooden massage table. Heiferwaith’s snout trembled, blood rising in his nostrils. He trembled as he raised the bowl with his last bit of strength.

The police officer knocked over the bowl dismissively; it smashed on the silk of the safari tent floor. “These aren’t FRESH. And…OH MY GOD. Would you look at that? A HAIR! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, BLIND ME?”

The sky tinted orange. Rolling waves of purple and blue undulates in the sky. It was like being inside a lava lamp.

Stan and Elizabeth’s glass baby floated by, its skin like stained glass. Blood Lust and Ice Flue bombs exploded around him as his eyes shifted to beams of silver. He zapped retreating Dracun Lizards indiscriminately. His voice boomed across the battlefield. “If you want this war to end, you’ll have to vote for it.” He flew higher and higher, rushing like a shooting star to illuminate a palace upon green hills above which a crinkled sign read “Voting Palace.”

Heiferwaith scrambled across the silk floor of the tent but was soon smacked in the head by an iron urn. “Stop. Please, let me go. I’m going to exercise my right to vote.”

“Your right to vote?” The police officer towered above Heiferwaith, swinging a whip embedded with hundreds of diamonds. “But you haven’t even earned your right to squeal.”