Archive | July, 2017

10 rules all writers MUST follow

28 Jul

10 Rules All Writers MUST Follow:
1. Ya gotta be spitting blood at the keyboard, mate. Bust an artery. Inspire a nosebleed. Whatever ya gotta do, your typewriter had better be covered in blood or you’re doing something WRONG. At the very least, douse your keyboard in Spaghetti O’s to keep up appearances. 

2. Ya gotta kiss up to more successful writers, mate–and by kiss, we definitely mean [NSFW comment removed by administration]. 

3. Ya gotta give birth to a Kindle on Saturn and then chase around your tail until you get so dizzy ya puke. That’s just a necessity mate!

4. Ya gotta get the deceased to buy your books, mate. What? Does that seem too difficult for you? THEN GET OUTTA THE GAME, MATE! Boink, you lose! 

5. I know this one’s gonna sting, but, yeah, ya gotta post pictures of your muscles covered in blood. WHAT? DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE OPPOSED THAT, MATE!

6. Um, I seem to be running out of steam here mate but GUESS WHO JUST SPRAYED BLOOD ALL OVER HIS KEYBOARD, MATE?! 

7. Yeah, uh, so that’s all I got really.

8. Look, I meant this to be inspirational to the young folks out there. It’s just that ya gotta bleed is all.

9. Phew. Almost there. Yeah, uh, I’m gonna be honest at this point. I got nothing left. 

10. Ya! I made it! And ya gotta too. 

The Snake Handler by J David Osborne & Cody Goodfellow (Broken River Books; 2017) 

25 Jul

Dedicated to the great Harry Crews, this is a fast, fun, rude novella that drips with seedy Southern darkness. My favorite scene involves a hallucinogenic conversation with a snake. Fans of offbeat, cartoonish, gory action sequences will find plenty to like here, yet the characters lack the depth and pathos of Harry Crews or Flannary O’Connor’s brethren. Having read some of Goodfellow’s and Osborne’s other work, I tried to spot each author’s separate stylistic contributions and feel I mostly failed in that endeavor; however, there were a few moments of grisly, uncomfortable poetic realism that I swore were Osborne’s, a unique voice and flavor second to none.  

You can only order it here

Made for Love by Alissa Nutting (Ecco; 2017) 

24 Jul

A man with Jesus hair is attracted to a dolphin.

A woman with a computer chip in her brain gets her arm stuck down the throat of a love doll.

Yet how could their fates possibly collide? 

In the ultimate beach read of the summer, you will soon find out. If Tampa was Lolita’s summer crush then Made for Love is A Confederacy of Dunces’ energetic android grandmother.

I was an interview specimen at Bizzong! 

18 Jul

A dialogue can cast fires, obliterate diamonds, wet the teeth of cougars, fly off the handlebars of a bicycle made of mustache hair, melt golden gymnast rings, mambo snake tattoos into hissing phantoms, and, ultimately, offer solace to the spiders trapped in lynx eyes. And so I present to you a dialogue with Frank Edler and me on Bizzong!

Check it out here! 

My story “A Nanny’s Need” online @ New Theory 4

11 Jul

A new story of mine is available here in its entirety for free online. It’s called “A Nanny’s Need.” Take a trip back to your early teenage years. Ever drive your parents’ car late at night to score that first Smiths record? Ever break down? We’ve all been at the wrong place at the wrong time, but have you ever drifted off as a result, never to be realigned, returned, or deposited back into the same shoes again? Thanks to editor Jayson Iwen for his editorial insights with this piece!

“A Nanny’s Need” is available here

New story to be published! 

11 Jul

Stoked to announce that my story “The Basement People”–about a sentient cloud of severed human and animal limbs and a metamorphosing crime–will be part of this anthology!

Here is the official TOC for Zombie Punks Fuck Off, in no particular order.

1) While My Guitar Gently Eats – Danger Slater

2) Cyberpunk Zombie Jihad – Mark Zirbel

3) The Ballad of Hank XXX – David W Barbee

4) Hard-Wired Beat – Axel Kohagen

5) Earworm – Brendan Vidito

6) The Basement People – Nicholaus Patnaude

7) I am the Future – Joe Quenell (Ian Muller)

8) Re-Made – Madison McSweeney

9) Rolled Up – MP Johnson

10) The Good Samaritans – Sam Reeve

11) Bass Sick – Asher Ellis

12) The Advent of Noise – Leo X Robertson

13) Eat the Rich – Carmilla Voiez

14) A Circle of Dead Children – Sam Richard

Plus we’ve got the incredible cover art by Michael Bukowski.

I’m so fucking excited to get this finished and out to everyone.